He Let’s Go

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“You’re high i know it.” Then he lets go. *note: I wasn’t high*

He’s holding me close, arms tight…”he’s never letting go.” I think…what’s on my mind you ask? ….My mother. What she’ll say if she finds out. What lie I can think of to get my way out of this one. I start to worry…PANIC even! “What’s wrong?” *note: he looks sincere. His voice is alarmed. He cared.* I say nothing and he kisses my forehead. *note: he know’s I’m lying.* We watch a movie, it’s not funny…but I laugh. We watch another, it’s not scary…but I scream. Then we watch our final one, it’s not sad I know it…but I cry. And I cry. And I cry. When will I stop crying? Then he says it again and I hate myself because I love him, but what is love without trust? What did I do to lose your trust….what did I do for you to stop loving me?

“You’re high I know it.” Then he lets go. *note I wasn’t high*

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“You’re high I know it.” It goes on forever. But how long is forever? Eternity. Was it really eternity? Some nights I feel eternal. Until I remember….*note: I wasn’t high*

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“You’re high I know it.” Then he let’s go. *note I was high*

It was cold and windy. I was shaking, but the trees were beating me. The wind made my hair blow away, but the leaves were beating me. I was walking and I didn’t know where I was. I’m bleeding, but I have no money. I go to the bathroom and lock the door. I’m sitting on the ground, the dirty ground. My phone is wet, rain, and now my teardrops were on it. Take it, I don’t want it anymore because here is where I made the mistake. This is when…I realized…is when he stopped loving me. I call him. He answers after 2 rings and sits in silence as I cry but just listens because that’s what I need. And when I’m done, he tells me he’s on his way to get me right now. He wants me to stay safe but was he safe? No…my demons took him.

He goes from calm to frantic. He’s here. And we long for each other. I run around going crazy looking for him. He’s screaming my name and I hear him, I’m screaming his. I’m walking all around to look for him. I can’t find him. I gave up. *note: I’m sorry I gave up, I’m sorry I let go.* He finds me on the ground of the washroom that I never left and we walk back to the car. I’m inside his house, by the fireplace. He has a blanket around me and is holding me close. I’m drinking hot chocolate and he won’t let go. Where’s my mom? Why hasn’t she called? And I jump up, the hot chocolate spills on me. I cry. And I cry.  “What’s wrong?” *note: he looks sincere. His voice is alarmed. He cared.* And I cry.

“You’re high I know it.” Then he let’s go. *note I was high*

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What did I do to lose you? It’s true they say, love doesn’t last forever. If you love something, let it go.

Then he let’s go….. Then he let go..

So I let go. And he was right. I was high and he always knew it. He held my hands in that hospital bed because I mimicked his love and I finally let go. “Honey, I’m sorry. I was high, I was lying, something was wrong and you knew it….and I made you let go.” He’s dead, my demons took him. Then he let’s go.

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Oh Adam…Look What You Did To Me

In my previous blog I talked about boyfriend…correction EX boyfriend. I left of telling you that I was supposed to be skyping him to get the closure I DESPERATELY needed! But guess what guys…HE NEVER CALLED! I sat by the computer for about 2 hrs with no call, he sent me a text saying he would call me later…so I patiently waited by the phone for about 3 and a half hours until I finally ended up falling asleep. He didn’t send me a text or anything to say he wasn’t able to or even a text the next morning to show any remorse. I know what you’re thinking…what a dick! And that’s exactly what i’m thinking, but I’m positive that’s not the Adam I know. 100% CERTAIN!

He would never just stand me up like that without a legit reason or without apologizing and trying to explain after…but I guess we’re broken up now & he doesn’t need to explain anything to me anymore right WRONG! I have no answers….so right now I need ALL the explanation he can give me because there’s still that tiny thought tugging at the back of my mind saying he’ll come back soon…it’s not permanent. And I need to KNOW for a fact, even if it’s him telling me “we are never ever ever getting back together” then I’ll take it. But at least then I can stop feeding the little Amanda in me that craves and would kill to have my boyfriend back…

…I just wanna know what I did to make him stop caring? Because I tried my hardest to be everything he wanted in me & i still fucked it up and I just want to know HOW? WHY? WHEN? I just wanna see his face one last time, hear his voice, see his smile that makes my heart melt. I still have the conversation when he asked me out & when we first started talking, I still watch the videos I took and when I do; I wish we could go back to what we had or I could go back to where it all went wrong just….make things all better!

Adam!

Hi guys, sorry I haven’t blogged in so long I have no legit reason for why I haven’t. Alright I have a lot to fill you guys in on (btw idk why my computer is being really messed up but anyways).

So over the summer I met a guy on black ops….i know, weird! I honestly never expected it because on black ops its literally 50 creeps and maybe 1 decent guy i’ll ACTUALLY become friends with. But long story short I was actually talking to his cousin more who is my age but i wasn’t really connecting and my interest shifted to Adam. So we talked for a bit and  he asked me out and big shocker..I said yes! It was great, he’s everything I look for in a guy. He’s amazing, sweet, caring, so adorable idk just im so infatuated with him! We woke up and talked all day, before we went to bed we’d talk. He was the first and last thing on my mind. Everything was perfect, he was legit everything I wanted in a guy. ***A little side note: he’s 14 and lives in California 😦 ****

School started and things started to get a little hectic. We weren’t talking everyday like we used to, he couldn’t skype as much and there was just literally no communication. I started to get worried and tried my best to express how I felt to him and how I wasn’t happy with the way things were working. It felt like every time I tried to bring it up though he didn’t care and things just continued the way they were. So me being the idiot I am suggested taking a break to figure stuff out and it didn’t even last because I caved the next day. I ended up making things worse, i didn’t think it was possible but there was even LESS communication and I got frustrated and said something I shouldn’t have. In the end we broke up and this all happened last Thursday. I spent the whole weekend crying myself to sleep and was soo upset all day, everything reminded me of him. I just wanted my boyfriend back, but I kept thinking everyone was right….long distances never work.  I just want to let you know, they really do. I’m not gonna be those girls that hate my exs and talk bad about them, and become all negative. Adam was/is an amazing boyfriend! Such a sweetheart and when I was with him I felt like the happiest, luckiest girl in the world.

I’m about to skype him now so we can “get closure” and “end things on a good note” but in reality I don’t want things to be over…I want him back. I wanna fight for him, I’d do anything right now. But I can’t force him to be happy with me ya know. I guess a little part of me is hoping that over these past few days he had time to think about it and realized it was a mistake and we would go back to how perfect things were. That what we’re going through right now is just a rough patch that will make us even stronger; that we can look back and laugh at. In all honesty….I want the Adam I met 2 months ago, the Adam that would fight to make things work. I wish he didn’t give up on us but most of all, I’m mad that I couldn’t make him happy…that everything I had to offer him just wasn’t to his satisfaction.

But I’m okay really…it just sucks to lose someone I care about so much but I have to let go and I know I’m going to be okay no matter what the end results are.

Isolated from My Family

I love my family to death but sometimes I truly disagree with the way they treat people, some people being me. My family is very religious; church every sunday, praying, reading the bible all of that…probably more religious than most! Anyways point is, I don’t agree with or believe some of it. For example their strong hatred towards gays, how they are an abomination and that whole “God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve saying” …LET THEM BE, THEY’RE PEOPLE TOO…is my thoughts on things. So you can see, we have different views or perspective on things. My family, my mother mostly, has someone how convinced herself that I’m like possessed or something, or that the devil is getting to me…some crap like that! Which is completely false, I’m just a teenager trying to figure out who I am. AND JUST BECAUSE I’M NOT WHO MY FAMILY WANTS ME TO BE, A MODEL PICTURE PERFECT CHRISTIAN GIRL, THEN SOMEHOW I’M SOME LIKE DEMONIC CHILD. I hope they realize sooner or later that they can’t force me to be someone I’m not. I’m trying to find my image, figure out what defines me, pick an identity and I just don’t think any of that involves me following their Christian principals. I can’t be apart of something if I don’t agree or have different opinions than what they believe…it just doesn’t work.

One way that I really define myself for example is through the way I dress. Every kid dresses how they feel comfortable, it’s their style, like I can’t explain it, but I’m hoping you guys do. I want to wear my shorts, my tights, crop tops, yoga pants and all of that, which of course my family believes is “of the world” sure it may be of the world, but it’s who I am, its what I like and what I want, so why stop me? Just because it’s what you guys don’t agree with? If I were to reach out and pick up a pair of shorts my mom immediately goes “that’s not something a Christian girl should be wearing, I don’t understand I thought you were Christian!” since when did what I wear make me any less of a Christian? I guess I didn’t get the dress code memo. They just think so badly of non-religious people, the things they say about them is just ignorant and disrespectful; the true definition of judgemental. You don’t define someone by their appearance, you do by their actions and who they are as a person.

Another thing is that I think it’s absolutely okay to be sexually active at any age you feel ready for it. My family believes you save yourself for marriage or you’re  not following what God wants. WHICH IS TOTAL BS! Times are changing and I think someone needs to update that bible because kids these days are hormonal and it’s okay as long as you follow some morals. Like it’s okay to sleep with guys but not when you’re like 10 obviously, only you can decide what your limits and boundaries are, you can’t let someone define them for you. I’ve hooked up with a few guys, who hasn’t, and my mother knows but she believes that I regret everything and is just in complete denial that I would ever want to do such things again. NO. I regret some of the PEOPLE I’ve done stuff with but I don’t regret doing things. Yes you have to be emotionally, mentally and psychically ready to handle all of the things that come with decisions like those, but I’m ready. I’m going to get my heart broken eventually (already have tbh), I’m going to cry, get angry, there’s going to be days where I just don’t even want to be alive but that’s what I chose to take on as a mother she should be there for me; which she is but without the Christian perspective on EVERYTHING!

Next, I really really want to get my belly button pierced and my tongue because I’ve seen how they look and I really like it. Yes some people are going to judge me for having my tongue pierced, but they’re ignorant if they do. I think having a tongue ring would further complete my image, help me define who I am, not everyone likes piercings which is fine. Anyways my mom is convinced I’m being badly influenced by people and then she starts to question whether it’s my friends who are making me want theses things. NO. I go out, I see them and I either like it or I don’t. I may like it and want it, or like it on someone else but not want it. Tbh my friends don’t even want those things, and don’t think I should get it, are against it actually. But that’s their opinion WHICH I DON’T LET INFLUENCE ME IN MY DECISIONS.

I guess what I’m trying to get at is yes I get influenced by things but I don’t HAVE TO let it do that I WANT IT TO. Just like if someone was talking to you or advising you. Yes you can either choose to listen or not and you can choose to use that advise or not. I take bits and pieces of things I see and I combine them to create the person I want to be, the Amanda I want to be. My mom has raised me with the right morals but in the end only I can decide which I choose to follow and which I don’t. I only hope that when I talk to her about these stuff later on in the future when I’ve fully figured out who I am, that her and the rest of my family, will accept me for who I am and respect my decisions. Think of me still as the same Amanda they know and love, not look at me like I’m broken/ damaged, or a lost cause.

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Means of Punishment

I’m not the kind of person who has ever pictured kids in my life… To be honest, kids aren’t in my future plans AT ALL!

I used to and somewhat still do STRONGLY dislike kids, but that’s just from my views lets not get into that! I’ve been spending a lot of time with my little cousin and I’ve come to realize though he’s a trouble maker with the right kind of love and nourishment he’s a great kid. And I know that one day if I ever do decide to have kids I’m going to be a not too shabby mom because despite what I’ve grown up learning as the norm and what I’ve been introduced to as okay…I would NEVER put a hand on my child!

I won’t say who but I know people who have been beaten BAD to the point where marks have been left and it pains my heart every time I see kids getting that sort of punishment because NO human being deserves that ever. It makes me develop anger and hatred towards the person who is doing such things. They don’t deserve kids….they don’t deserve to live! And I KNOOW that’s an awful thing to say but I’m not going to lie those are the things that pop up in my head. I think no matter what you should NEVER EVER EVEER put your hands on someone whether it be a kid, or a friend or an enemy for that matter. Violence is NEVER the answer and it’s people that hit there kids that make me wonder how they even GOT kids in the first place?

Kids respond to other things violence isn’t always the answer. And if instilling fear in them is your deranged idea of “good parenting” I’m here to tell you…YOU’RE WRONG! Your kid fearing you will cause them to think of you as an enemy, resent you, hate you, disobey you all the things that you DON’T want to happen. For example me, if my mother ever put her hands on me, I wouldn’t listen to a word she has to say. I’m a good kid, I listen to my mom and though I do bad things I would never do anything too disastrous! So if she were to HIT me I would instantly stop listening to her, lash out in various ways, do exactly what she DIDN’T want me to do because I don’t respond to violence, I don’t support it and I sure as hell won’t listen to someone who is violent towards me.

If you want to get your point across to me, sit down and have a discussion with me like a mature person, not an inhumane, short tempered, uncivilized abuser. NO. If you want to punish me figure out a different way to do it; take my phone, ground me, take away my internet access..but don’t EVER put your hands on me. That;s where I draw the line.

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MATURING THE HELL UP!

Okay, I blogged about this yesterday and for some reason it didn’t upload so I was really frustrated about that and decided I’d blog another day cause it was a lot that got deleted. So anyways here’s the post…

It’s time I moved on…I’ve let HIM get the best of me way to long. How is it fair that he’s all I can think about all day everyday but I probably don’t even cross his mind once! Why does he deserve my attention in anyway, he doesn’t! He’s not going anywhere with his life and I certainly intend on going far! He’s with someone else now and I’m happy for them, really, I am. As much as I want to be in a relationship, which girl doesn’t, he’s not the right guy to be in one with. I’d rather wait to be with the right guy than force into being with the wrong guy, that’ll just cause myself unhappiness. Which is all I’ve had since I met him; a few minutes of please and happiness, then the rest was just pain and regret..but yet I kept going back to him, no more!

I’m determined to focus on school, if not starting now then definitely New Years. I can be so much more than I give myself credit for. For the past few days I’ve been focusing on my school work and friends, spiritual life, that’s all that should matter to me and my family of course. I told myself that the only way I could be happy is with him in my life, but I’m better off without him. Whenever I felt like I was over him, I’ve finally moved on and am going somewhere in life. He always found a way to weasel his way back into my life, it’s like he hit the ‘reset’ button on my feelings! And with those good feelings towards him, he reset all the bad ones; the anger, the pain, the confusion, the frustration!

I told myself I was depressed and at my breaking point, not going to lie I was at my breaking point but now I’m picking myself back up because I’m just a kid. Sure I made a mistake but I shouldn’t let things like that affect me. The important thing is that I learned from my mistake, which I have! Not going to lie I might consider _____  with THE RIGHT PERSON but I’M NEVER GOING BACK TO HIM! I know for a fact, he’ll come back and I have the power to decide what happens from that point. And I won’t allow myself to be that stupid again as to go back to him, then I’ll seriously have no one to blame but myself, not that I ever had anyone to blame but myself!

SCHOOL, FRIENDS, SPIRITUAL LIFE AND HAVING FUN! That’s what life should be about right now, not immature boys! All they do is drive you crazy and when the time is right, Mr.Right will come to me, I won’t have to kill myself trying to find someone going to the ends of the earth searching. The key to happiness is me believing in myself and with this, I can accomplish so much more than I am right now..

Family Road Trips

Family roads trips…they can be the best or the worst experiences. Mine are usually somewhere in between. In case you’re abnormally weird and haven’t been on a family road trip; I’ll break it down for you.

You spend hours with your family in a car, all tightly packed for the duration of the ride. You start getting hot and comfortable after a while; easily agitated at this point, slowly losing patients. Hopefully you aren’t those unfortunate people who can’t sleep in cars. If you’re not then you’ll more than likely sleep through most of the ride, uncomfortably and you will probably be in pain when you wake up but you’ll make do cause the van/car isn’t a five star hotel or a low class motel for that matter. If you ARE those kind of people that can’t sleep in cars then..well..let’s just hope you’re smart enough to bring some form of entertainment. Which brings me to my next point..

So that you don’t completely die of bordem or kill yourself wondering how long until arrival, you will bring SOME form of entertainment whether it be a book, a movie, an ipod, your phone..anything really. Once you’ve spent an hour of too trying to distract yourself you;ll give up and probably go to sleep or see what’s going on in the car. If you have a family like mine, it will probably be the two most annoying kids in the world nagging, scream, crying, whatever…something to piss you off though, guaranteed. So you’ll definitely lose interest in that and go back to whatever it is you were doing or maybe go to sleep.

Then at the most unexpected time, someone will say they “have to pee” or “I’m hungry”. Whoever that one person is, be grateful because it means a break from the crammed car. So you’ll stop at a off-the-highway broken down gas station or if you’re lucky it’s a classy one. Maybe it will be a food place with a variety of options, but let’s just be pessimists for the day. You get out the car and just because you go to the washroom. Words can’t even describe the god awful aroma you smell as soon as you’re within inches from the place. Holding your breathe won’t help, covering your nose won’t help…but you go anyways because you don’t want to have to interrupt the driving when you just went for a pit stop 20 minutes ago. Everything is FILTHY, it takes a lot of will power to use the washroom, but you do. You squat over the probably pee covered seat, do what you have to do and on your way out use a paper towel to open the doors…or is that just me? Oh well…

Once that’s done, you’ve come to the realization that you’re actually hungrier than you thought you were so you join your family who’s probably in line to buy something to eat. It could be something small like Tim Hortons (for you American viewers that have no clue what Timmies is, it’s a VERY famous and popular coffee shop in Canada..for you guys we’ll go with Dunkin’ Donuts or Starbucks) or something big like KFC. You’ll order, possibly eat there or in the car, whatever, time to hit the road again. Dreading going back to the car because it’s back to being squished for hours upon hours.

Now for the good part, once you’ve arrived at your destination..the trip gets a bit better. You guys go shopping, explore a bit, eat some food, walk around, be tourists for a bit. After all that you’ll need a place to stay. Hopefully you guys have a huge family like ours where you can crash for a night or two, if not you’ll stay at a hotel/motel…not bad depending on the place.

It’s in those moments that the fun begins. You and your family play games, watch TV, catch up cause you probably haven’t seen them for months. And THATS when your trip will go from bad to good…